How my parents relationship affected my view on men and love…

I was really upset today when my best friend told me that her brother-in-law (19 y/o) may have knocked up his girlfriend (18 y/o).

Background on girlfriend. At age 17, she found her parents dead inside their house. The father shot the mom and in turn, killed himself. She found them inside their room when she came back from school. She has a younger sister who is also in school. Her aunt ended up fostering them, and she decided that one she graduated high school she will become the legal guardian of her younger sister.

Background on brother-in-law. Young adult who was in his first year of a state college. Decided that college was not for him. Dropped out and decided to study to become a dental hygienist.

Now, this may not sound as bad as it seems right?

I come from poverty. My mom worked in a sweatshop and she married my father through an arranged marriage. My mom was never happy with her life but as an immigrant parent who didn’t know english and has 3 kids and has never worked anywhere else other than a sweatshop, she stayed with my dad to raise her 3 kids. My dad was the type of man that came home, expected dinner on the table, had no emotional feelings, doesn’t remember birthdays and doesn’t know what the word “Thank you” means. I grew up watching my mom cry and hating my father. I never really hated my dad, but I also never loved my dad for his fatherly figure, because he was never a fatherly figure.

Growing up, I’ve always wanted to be a princess. I wanted to fall in love with a handsome man, have beautiful children, and live a life that you see everyday on tv.

Nope.

I’m 30 now, I’ve been in many many relationships, broken many many hearts. I had an epiphany when I turned 30, that I may possibly be one of those women, who dates and never settles down. Focus on myself, I say. Be a strong educated woman, fight for women rights, you’re a powerful woman who is persuasive and a role model for others.

I become the person I am today because I watched my mom cry. My mom lacked education. I have education. My mom lacks freedom. I have freedom. My mom was with an abusive husband all her life and was never happy. I choose my happiness. In a way, this has also shaped my view of men and who I choose to be with physically and emotionally. It has always created a wall between me and my inner emotions of trusting someone. A few months back I wrote a story about how I was rejected by a fellow friend who I’ve know for 2 years. Today, he and I are actually in a “some-what” normal relationship. A relationship that has no definition of what we really are, but we seem to have a mutual agreement to see each other every weekend, and to spend time doing things we both like together. One can say, he is my boyfriend. A respectful and proper Japanese man.

This all ties back now. To the start of this entry. I was upset to hear that my friends Brother In Law knocked up his GF. I’ve known the BIL for a while, a young adult, no real aspirations. He decided to quit college, with no real goals in sight but thought that being a dental hygienist may be the solution. He has mentioned that he wanted to break up with his GF but wasn’t sure if he should since she went through the trauma of her parents death with the past year. Now she’s knocked up. It angers me to hear young adults sit through life waiting for luck to hit them when I worked hard all my life to reach for the stars.

Telling my mom this story, she quickly jumps in joy. “Ohhh good!!! I’m so jealous…I wish I had grandchildren…it’s good that they are having kids young” It’s upsetting to hear that from my mom. We were both in a really heated argument about this. My mom’s in her early 60’s, she’s always wanted grand kids. I don’t blame her. She has 2 older sons (35, 31) and me (30). My older brother is one of those introverted men who stays home and hangs out with my mom all day. My middle brother is gay, a huge trauma to my mom when she found out he was gay. And then there’s me – my mom knows I’ve dated loads and have had serious relationships. The only hope for the family – people laugh and tell me that. Because I’m the only hope for my mom to have a grand children.

It upsets me every time my mom pressures me to have a child “it’s okay if you get knocked up, and if you’re not married, I’d be very happy to take care of your child.” No mom – I know that she has nothing but her children. Grandkids are probably the only thing she is looking forward to but it angers me that my mom forgets what she’s been through and to wish that upon me. My mom has no idea what happiness is because she’s never experienced it. Because she has given up all her happiness to raise her children. In turn, watching my mom be sad – that’s normal to her. But for me who has experienced happiness, freedom, education, and power, I refuse to be a weak woman. I feel anger for my mom, I feel anger for every woman who has to let go of their rights and education because of men. I feel angry at women who make choices like the one my mom did, but I don’t blame those who did not have a choice. People make sacrifices and I know my mom made a huge sacrifice for me to be who I am today.

I feel a need to advocate for women rights, to be empowered by your own choices. I hope that even if the BIL’s GF is pregnant that she will make good choices for herself and her child, hopefully opportunities will open up for her to live a bigger dream.

I, in turn, after hearing this, has reminded me that I need to be empowered and to not let the feelings of a man take away the freedom that I haven built for myself. I hope that the person I am with right now, will push me and encourage my desire to live a powerful life.

 

 

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