[Brain Vomit Series 1.1]

It was my buddy’s farewell drinks for resigning from our company. A few hours before we were going to meet up, she cancelled the event. She wasn’t feeling well, and I could see it in her face. She asked her boyfriend to visit her and more the reason for her to cancel. I felt alright in the beginning, then I just felt upset. I was really looking forward to drinks that night, it was a Friday, it was a long week, and what could be better than having drinks with friends and of course, I was bias, I really wanted to see my ex-coworker who I had a romantic relationship with. It’s been 3 weeks since he and I chatted, “we’ll take it slow.” Yes we are taking it very slow, I have only hung out with him once during happy hour and he was being slightly awkward. I wasn’t sure if he was being awkward because of our chat, or if he was just feeling really sick, he had a sinus infection he claimed.

My buddy group text and cancelled the event. I didn’t really know what to say, didn’t want to sound too desperate but just replied with “I hope you feel better, if you guys still want to nab a drink, let me know.” Trying to be casual, but I felt really upset at the fact that I let two of my friends dictate my feelings. One friend that always flakes and the other friend who I still really like and he hasn’t reached out to hang with me.

Luckily, that weekend, I was cat sitting. I drove to the supermarket and decided to pick up groceries and a bottle of wine in case I was really going to spend Friday night in. The bottle of wine really cheered me up though, it’s going to be alright, I tell myself. You’re doing great. As I was leaving the market, my ex-coworker text back and said he was still down to grab a drink. He then private text me a bit later and told me he was going to head back home in a bit and asked if I wanted to eat dinner. Sure. He then asked me to putter over and he can drive.

Literally 3 weeks since he and I hung out alone. I’m normally a jolly girl, he opened the front door for me and I pop right in, asking him “how are you doing?” We chatted over dinner and I swore to myself that night, that I will just go home because nothing will happen between us anymore. And I did. It was great. I felt empowered.

The next day, he and I had a planned dinner for months. It was to a nice steak house in Beverly Hills, our coworker bailed but we still decided to go. I wore a nice black Zara dress with red lipstick. My friend was driving, so I putter over to his house and he’s never seen me dressed up. He was pretty spiffy himself. We head off to dinner, we have a grand time. As we drive back, I was hopeful that I’d be strong again and leave his place. We pop into his house and I head to the restroom. As I walk out, he was perched on the couch with his space heater on. I walk over and grab a blanket and as I sat down he reached his right arm out to hold me. I automatically go into cuddle mode.

It’s awful that 2 weeks ago, I was really upset at this person because of how he handled the adult talk about what we were, but that night, I enable people like him to do awful things to women like me. I tell myself that I’m human, but also, I’m allow myself to get hurt by people. Why would you do this to yourself? Self worth, self respect, and be strong.

I just have to see this person once more so I can give him the Christmas present I made. Then never will you need to meet up again, be strong.




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