As the year comes to an end, I like to look back and reflect on what mistakes I have made and what I can learn from it. 2016 started with a bang, I was on a sailing ship with my job, friends, and family. The story I am about to tell, will describe my broken friendship and what I have learned from it.
I became very close this year with a coworker that I’ve known since 2015. He was a brilliant, young, business oriented gentleman who was active, caring, and somewhat mysterious. Everyone loved him, he was fantastic, manly, and chivalrous. Late 2015, I was aware that he broke up with his long term girlfriend, who we never really spoke about and I’ve never seen a photo of her. He was a very private person. I was in a relationship but became single mid-year. My coworker and I began to work out together, dined and drank together. He became my companion. Someone I can rely on when I had nothing to do afterwork and was seeking company of a great friend.
I was semi-oblivious but majority of our mutual friends have asked about us two, it made me think. I was at my coworkers house one night, we were watching tv and he was giving me a back rub. At this time, my father has fallen sick. I seldom discuss my feelings, I like bury my head in the sand and ignore problems until I really have to deal with them. My coworker held my shoulders and asked me “Do you need to talk?” He was concern. I avoided the topic and chatted about something else. The following day, a group of us went to dinner. He arrived at the restaurant with a cap that I wanted from REI. I was beyond thrilled to be surprised with a gift. During times of darkness, it just brightens up my day that a friend would go out of their way, think about me and show that they care. Despite all these hints, I still questioned and was confused with his gestures. I was probably over thinking it, plus, we just really enjoy each others company. He was my buddy, my companion and someone I knew I could rely on.
He resigned from our company and was offered a better career opportunity elsewhere. At that point, I felt relieved. That potentially, the tension between him and will be resolved since we will no longer see each other. He took me and my mate out for dinner to celebrate his new job. That night, he and I went back to his pad and watched a movie. We loved having a glass of whiskey and just enjoying the night in. After knowing him for a 2 years and questioning our relationship, he gave me the sweetest kiss that led to passionate love. We oddly never discussed what happened between us or what it meant. He started his job, and we would see each other for dinner once in a while and act as if nothing ever happened.
I was bothered. I didn’t like the feeling of uncertainty and eventually asked if we could discuss our relationship. Despite liking him, I was hoping that we could date to see if his lifestyle was complement to mine and if he could make me a better person. I truthfully cared about his feelings and respected him. I told him all that and asked for the same respect. A conversation that I expected to go well, turned very sour. He was silent. He began with “I have concerns…” He discussed concerns about how this will affect our friendship and how I should be spending time with my family rather than him. He ended with a compromise, that we will take things slow and see where we end up in a few months. My heart broke, just because we never discussed what happened between us, doesn’t mean the dynamics of our friendship hasn’t changed already. And that night, it forever changed. I left his pad, and for weeks, I haven’t heard from him. As much as I feel emotional, I am also very logical, it’s the scientist in me that keeps me thinking straight. Don’t text him, I tell myself. Self worth, I tell myself.
That night, he stole a little part of my heart that I can never get back. That night, I lost my companion, I lost a friend. I felt disappointed that he wanted to give false hope of taking things slow, I appreciate honesty and would have hoped that he rejected me once so I can move on. I felt disappointed that this is the time when I needed a friend the most, when my dad is sick and I need company, that he walked out of my life.
The hardest part of this experience was the fact that I do see this person occasionally during happy hours with our mutual friends. It’s amazing how normal I can act around someone who broke my heart. Everyone loves him because he is such a great guy. My heart drops a little when I hear that, no one will know the pain I am going through. This person knew exactly what he was doing to me and didn’t man up to the situation or even provide closure.
I once read that hating someone is like taking poison but hoping the other person dies. I constantly remind myself to forgive. We’re only human, we go through stages of anger at times like this. Grief is something we all share and have in common and it comes in many shapes and forms. It could be grieving of of a loved one, changes in life, or the lost of a broken relationship. The crappy thing about this, and the worst part of grief is that you can’t control it – best we can do is to feel it when it comes and let it go when we can. Change is scary, we can choose to be afraid of it, stand there trembling, not moving, assuming the worst that can happen or we can step forward into the unknown and assume it will be brilliant.
The moment he kissed me and I kissed back, I took the risk. I was willing to give this man something sacred to me for something more brilliant in return. We often take risk in life that may lead to amazing outcomes or horrible endings. Although this situation has left me broken, I pat myself on the shoulder. I should be proud to be honest, to be vulnerable to someone and to give love a chance. Some people never take that step because they are afraid, but the feeling of being loved and heart broken makes us human. I struggle to get past this feeling, and even today, I have to constantly remind myself to go through the stages of grief. It’s okay to be upset, it’s okay to feel angry, it’s okay to feel bitter. Only time will make you heal. When I go through the heighten feelings and I calm down, I know I wish my friend nothing but the best, no one should suffer and no one would be afraid of taking risk in life.